Sorry no pets
Sorry no pets

Life is a wonderful thing. You go from one day to the next, comfortable in the fact that you have life pretty much waxed. You may not know much about the initiation rights of the Huaorani Indians but you know it’s pretty sif and sore, and because you’re not a Huaorani Indian it’s not really your problem. Besides you cried during your first team rugby initiation. There is a lot that falls into this “really glad it happens but I have no idea how, nor do I care” category;  This includes anything involving Space Stuff, most Computer Stuff (R100 to the person who tells me what computational origami is, R500 to the person who finds me someone who cares) and without doubt anything Einstein or Stephen Hawking have muttered. But this weekend I learnt about an idea, nay, an industry that I had no idea exists, and boy am I glad I did.

Makes 9/11 look like a fender-bender

This idea starts with Rapture. For those of you that don’t know, the term “Rapture” is one used by fundamentalist Christians to describe the second coming of Christ, and the sudden evaporation of millions of followers from earth to the crib of all cribs in the sky. Now I am not one to judge a persons faith. If someone believes that a 2000 year old Jew is going to float down from the skies, raising Zombie souls, and teleporting people through space, then that is entirely their acid trip. For a video showing exactly how this would go down, have a look here.

Rapture isn’t the reason for this Monday morning ranting though. As you will have gathered by now, Gorilla loves a little creative thinking,  and often gives kudos to those who have discovered a new way of making some moola through thinking outside of the box. And this weekend, I came across just such an idea.

To millions around the world, Rapture is a certainty. They cannot not tell you when, but know that they had better have their religious draws in order, because flash of light, deafening rumble and POOF – Rapture Time. An entire industry has been built around this, including the Post Rapture Post- The postal service of the saved who will for a fee send off letters to your loved ones, explaining where you have gone. Letters like this. This in itself was exciting reading. But wait! As it turns out, man’s best friend isn’t included in the list of the saved, and poor Fluffy is going to be left to fend for itself in the post-rapture chaos that ensues. But not anymore, thanks to these guys.


Eternal Earthbound Pets. Now how is that for a gap in the market. For a nominal fee of $110 paid upfront, you can go off Zombie’ing safe in the knowledge that your pooch will be looked after in the event of Rapture. A service run by “accredited” atheists, the FAQ section of the site was truly a treat:

Q: Is this a Joke?
A:  No. This is a serious offer to our Christian friends who believe in the Second Coming and honestly care about the future of their pets after the Rapture occurs.

Q: How do you ensure your representatives won’t be Raptured.
A: Actually, we don’t ensure it, they do.  Each of our representatives has stated to us in writing that they are atheists, do not believe in God / Jesus, and that they have blasphemed in accordance with Mark 3:29, negating any chance of salvation.

Q: When the Rapture occurs, how long before my pet is rescued?
A:  Our rescuers know that this is a time sensitive service.  Pets’ lives are at stake.  Naturally, we must anticipate that there will be widespread chaos and confusion immediately following the Rapture that could impact travel times.  Thus, we are targeting a maximum of between 18- 24 hours from realization of the Rapture, to animal rescue.

There terms and conditions of the contract contained their own gems too:

“If  subscriber loses his/her faith and/or the Rapture occurs and subscriber is not Raptured (aka  is “left behind”) EEP disclaims any liability; and no refund will be tendered”

I would give anything to find out how many subscribers this service has. Given the devout’s unquestioning faith in the eminence of the Rapture, my gut tells me Earth Bound Pets is probably netting a small fortune. In fact we are so confident, Gorilla has set-up it own Post Rapture service. Now for a small fee Dorin and I will gladly take up any unused holiday bookings, rugby season tickets, and bank accounts, whilst Barry will look after any upset and lonely girlfriends who were just a little too naughty to go with.